I’m Mr Green Christmas, I’m Mr 101!

They call me Heat Miser...

It's that time of the year again. Christmas specials litter the airwaves, and like a good little consumer of mediocrity, I'm glued to the tube.

Rankin/Bass is responsible for most of my preconceived notions of the holiday season. Rudolph, The Year without Santa Claus, Frosty the Snowman, etc... these were my Christmas tutors.

Now, even as a child I wasn't too fond of the animated style of Frosty. It seemed lifeless, soulless. It wasn't as nice as a Disney animated piece. But it was on during the week on prime time, and it was special... that was good enough for me.

The stop-motion specials were different. I had nothing to compare them to, so that automatically made them awesome. But there has always been something about them that bothered me, and I've never been able to put my finger on it... till now.

Rewatching these specials (back to back on cable) I believe I have finally found what's been nagging me all these years.

One word: Continuity.

I understand the logistics. These specials were produced at different times, and I'm sure the puppets and sets were not saved for future productions, etc... but still.

Santa, Mrs Claus, and the elves are redesigned several times. I'm talking COMPLETE make-over... but everything else stays pretty much the same. That's ok, but the real issue is that we're led to believe all these stories take place within the same universe with the same characters, yet parts of each special contradict themselves.

You've got Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, where he grows up at the end and saves Christmas. Then in Rudolph's Shiny New Year, he's a young reindeer again. Last I check, New Year's comes after Christmas.

In Santa Claus is Comin' to Town, we get Kris Kringle's origin where he faces off against the evil  Burgermeister Meisterburger. But fast forward to The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus, and we find out Santa was some kind of magical baby found and raised by a freaky elf girl and this freaky Gandalf-looking deer horn wearing magic giant.

What about The Year Without a Santa Claus and Jack Frost? Where are the Heat Miser and Snow Miser when Jack Frost is going through his adventures?

Yes, I know these are minor gripes, considering these were created for little kids hopped up on candy and soda, who couldn't possibly remember their own names much less little details like these... but I don't care.

Noticing these little contradictions kind of ruins it for me. It's like looking behind the curtain and seeing that the great and powerful OZ is wrinkly old con man.

However, that doesn't mean I won't watch them when they come on. When the Heat Miser hits the stage, all is forgiven, if not forgotten.

The Plight of the Strong Black Woman

Anyone that knows me knows I have a great dislike for political correctness.

I mean, what happened? One day a switch was flipped and everything I knew was now offensive to one person or another. But the day before, it was fine?

So anyway, being that I much prefer the political UNcorrectness of yesteryear, I thought I'd talk about one of my favorite comicbooks of all time...

"Superman's Girlfriend, LOIS LANE"  (Mar/Apr 1958 - Sep/Oct 1974)
 
The title says it all.
It's not "Lois Lane". It's not "Girl Reporter, Lois Lane" It's not even "The Amazing Sexpot, Lois Lane." 
No, it's "Superman's Girlfriend, Lois Lane".
 
It seems Lois Lane only exists as the chick that dates Superman... no other reason to exist, yet she received her own comic series.

Granted the typical issues revolved around either Lois trying to get Superman to marry her, or Lois marrying either Satan, Bruce Wayne or some convict on death row... Yep, try publishing THAT today, my friends.

My favorite all time issue of this series is, of course :

Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane 106
Why is this my favorite? Just look at that cover!

That's right... LOIS TURNS INTO A STRONG BLACK WOMAN!

Actually, that's not entirely true. It's more like the the comic book equivalent of going black-face. 

Lois Lane wants to cover a story in the ghetto, but the African American folks will not talk to her because, and I quote "SHE'S WHITEY!"

So what's a reporter to do? Why, go to Superman and make him turn you black of course!

Because obviously, that's one of Superman's powers, you know. (He actually uses a Kryptonian machine he keeps in the Fortress, you know, just in case someone he knows ever wants to turn black.)

So a lot of social commentary stuff happens and at the end, just when you think you've been reading an issue of ANOTHER comic book, the real Lois Lane, the one I love, shows up and asks Superman to marry her.

Of course he says, "No." (As always.)

And Lois, being the investigative reporter she is, assumes that it's because she's black now.

Superman then gives her a verbal pimpslap and pretty much tells her to stop being stupid, and gives her the old tired "I can't marry you because my enemies would use you against me, blah, blah, blah..." excuse.

Like you'd expect, her blackness wears off at the end of the day, and she's back to being plain old whitey again.

But don't let the ending stop you from enjoying such gems as Lois's regular cabbie refusing to pick her up cause she's black, forcing Lois to -OH NO- ride the subway! That's worth the price of admission alone, my friends. So is her fascination with her brand spanking new "AFRO WEAR!"

You just can't make this stuff up.

So, for a taste of yesteryear with the stupidity of today, pick up this issue. I promise you, it won't disappoint.

If the glove doesn't fit... you're a nitwit.

Fashionistas annoy me.

 

You know the kind. Those women who pay enormous amount of money for "cute" shoes that don't properly fit, and they can barely stand on them, much less walk on them.

 

Now, don't get me wrong. I could care less about their impending back problems, and future ankle fractures. I mean, they're the nitwits who would rather be in fashion than in comfort. No, what annoys me off is when this mind set spreads to other parts of their lives, which in a roundabout way, ends up affecting mine.

 

These kinds of people drive SUV's. These kinds of people don't know HOW to drive SUV's. But they still do, because it's in mode. 

 

They can't make a turn without taking up 2 lanes of traffic. They can't back out of a parking spot without nearly hitting other cars, old people, shopping carts and squirrels. The car is too big for them. It does not fit, properly or otherwise.

 

Then you have fat people wearing clothing that are several sizes too small. Now, I am not a thin person by any stretch of the imagination. What I am is an observant person. I observe that certain clothes come in certain sizes. There is a reason for that. 

 Certain designs only look right on certain body types. Does it upset me if I see something nice that comes not come in my size? A little at first, until I realize that there is probably a reason for it.  The item looked nice in that size, any larger it might appear to be a colorful circus tent. But some people just don't get it. They fight it, not getting the hint. They must have it because it's the fashion, regardless of the fit. So that's how we end up with Shamu walking the mall in a tube top with fleshy folds of fat trying to escape from any and all openings. Kind of hard to finish your pretzel at the food court after having been witness to that.

 

It all comes down to fit.

 

Can you hold your balance on 10 inch platform clogs, one full size too small?
No? Then buy shoes your size.

 

Are you the kind of person that can handle a big truck?
If not, you are like me. Drive a compact car. Better gas mileage too.

 

That cute little slinky dress doesn't come in a size bigger than a 2, and you're a size 14?
Look for a dress in size 14. It's that simple.

 

 

Da Lucas Code

Ok, if you don't say it, I will.

I'm tired of hearing people taut about awesome and revolutionary the Da Vinci Code is. I read the book and saw the film. I enjoyed it on the same level as any Jean Claude Van Damme movie.

I don't oppose the so called sacrilegious aspects of the story. Heck, I tend to gravitate towards alternative history theories myself. What I oppose is granting Dan Brown any sort creativity diploma.

This stuff has been researched and written about for years. Want revolutionary and incendiary? Read the "Passover Plot", digest it and then add a little bit of "Holy Blood, Holy Grail."  These "theories" have been around since the 60's. Nothing new there.

Even his whole fictional adventure aspect has been done before... ask George Lucas about Indiana Jones.  Dan Brown describes his main character in the book as "Harrison Ford in Harris tweed"-. Sounds like Professor Jones to me.

Ok... you want a truly sacrilegious story and film, Dan Brown? Pay attention, this is how it's done
:
Make your main character the product of a virgin birth, like Jesus.

Give him anger issues as a child, as the Gnostic gospels claim Jesus had.

Make him part of a religious ruling sect... Jesus again.

Now, make him marry in secret, like Jesus has done in every book since "Holy Blood, Holy Grail"

Then have him turn his back on his religion, like Jesus did to the High Priests.

Have his best friend turn on him...

Now, flip it. Make the main character EVIL! Wow! Different.

Have him have kids. Have the kids grow up and take him out.

There you go.

No, wait... That's the Star Wars Saga....

DARN YOU GEORGE LUCAS!  You've foiled Dan Brown again!

So ya... nothing new under the sun my friends.

It's just mediocrity hitting us between the eyes once again.