Wake me up before you go-go.

I'm an addict.

I don't psychologically NEED my substance.  It's not a habit I am tied to. I sometimes forget and not consume. I have found that I can go several days, weeks, even months without it. I once went a year and a half. However, if I go ONE day without, my body rebels. I suffer headaches, fatigue and all around general crankiness. Turns out, I physically need it.

I'm sure most addicts say that. They physically NEED it.  They justify its existence one way or anything. That's why I'm not saying it's anything but an addiction.

I'm addicted to caffeine.

I hate coffee, though. I hate the bitter taste. I hate it hot, I hate it cold, I hate it black,  I hate it with milk, with sugar, without… I dislike it quite a bit.

So where do I get my caffeine fix? Well, not so long ago it was only to be found in cola. It could be Coke, Pepsi, RC,Chek… it didn't quite matter. As long as it was some sort of cola. Mountain Dew worked too.

Now though, I tend to stick to those so-called "energy" drinks. I called them "liquid crack".

I must have tried countless brands over the years, and here my friends are the best and worst:

Redbull: 9.64mg of caffeine per oz

The first taste was an eye opener. It was sour. But, after the first initial shock, it went down smooth.  It's an acquired taste, but it doesn't take long to acquire it. The most important thing though, it contains 80mg of my beloved caffeine in one can. Good enough to wake me up and keep me going at work, without keeping me up afterward when I want to sleep.

For comparison, regular coffee contains about 7.13mg per oz.

(Cuban coffee/expresso contains about 51.33 mg/oz…which is why it's served in a shotglass!)

Coke: 2.88mg/oz

Pepsi: 3.17mg/oz

RC: 3.77 mg/oz

Mountain Dew: 4.58mg/oz

The first energy drink I ever tried was:

KMX: 8.83mg/oz

This has been discontinued. Shame, really. Both flavors tasted great. Tasted much better than Redbull. Never got a chance to test it was a wake-up drink. It's got a little less of the caf than Redbull, but I'm sure it would have worked out. I miss this one.

Coca Cola Blak: 5.75mg/oz

Imagine if someone had a half a cup of stale coke and half a cup of 12 hr old coffee and said, "hey, let me pour one into the other to save room!" That's what this horrible concoction tastes like. And the worst part?  It's got less caf than a 12oz can of Mountain Dew, and costs twice as much.  This is garbage.

Speaking of Mountain Dew….

AMP Overdrive 8.88mg/oz

One word: Crackalicious! This is like drinking a cherry popcicle. It keeps me up much longer than Redbull, due in large because it is served in a 16oz can, thereby giving me a full 142mg of caf at a time, compared to Redbull's 8.5oz can of 80mg. But beyond that, it's the flavor that keeps me coming back for more. I don't drink it often, mostly due to the fantastic taste… I'd weigh like 400lbs and never sleep if I drank it more than I do.

Now for three that have forgettable tastes:

Full Throttle 9.00mg/oz

Monster 10.00mg/oz

SoBe No Fear 10.38mg/oz

Each has a forgettable flavor and each work about as well as Amp Overdrive. If I have a choice, between these three, I go for the cheapest, cause it really doesn't matter.

Rockstar 10.00mg/oz

Tastes like sugar water. Eh taste. I'd drink it if there wasn't any other choice, and I needed more than the kick I'd get from Mountain Dew.

Bawls 6.67mg/oz

Not much of an energy drink. Low caf count compared to some of the others. Flavor, like Rockstar is of the Eh variety. Neat bottle though. In fact the bottle is the only reason I tried it originally. I mean, look at it… it's blue and it's called BAWLS. It made for a nice vase for my desk when I was done. Other than that… eh.

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt

Ok, so I bought this cause it had a picture of Steven Seagal on the can, looking like "Drink my drink or I'll club you like a baby seal!" And it tastes like someone poured grapefruit juice into seltzer. I drank, like half of it on a lark before deciding I couldn't stomach it much longer. Joke's on me, though. It worked-well. Kept me up on my day off of work…and prevented me from sleeping.  I don't know how much caf it has, but it kicked my butt like a baby seal alright. I don't know if I'd buy more or if I can… it looks like it may be discontinued. I mean I did buy it at Walmart, for $1.00 (16oz can). I don't know if I can do the taste though. It was harsh. Not as harsh as CC Blak, though. That's just pure evil.

So back to my novelty buys…

Hogan Energy 10.00mg/oz

Much like the Steven Seagal incident, I bought a pack cause it has Hulk Hogan on it. It's green and tastes like green pixie stick. I like it; enough caf to keep me up, but not enough to prevent me from sleeping. It has just a little more kick than Redbull, with what I consider a slightly better flavor.

Next time I do a review of food-like substances, I may tackle hot sauces. I like hot sauces… more than any human should.

Twinkies and Coke

So the other day I'm sitting there eating a Twinkie.

It had been a long time since I ate a Twinkie and now I remember why. It didn't taste like anything. It was essentially, tasteless.

Now, I remember as a kid these things tasting so good you might as well label them as "Kiddie crack."  But now, holding one in my hands I see it's a pale imitation of the Hostess treat that used to have me begging my mom for fifty cents. And in truth it is pale. The darn thing is pale yellow, not the good golden yellow it used to be. It's also slightly greasy.

So I decided to investigate why the Twinkies I had in my kitchen today do not match those in my memory, and I came up with only one explanation: High-fructose corn syrup.

The FDA approved the use of HFCS back in 1983... my Twinkie munching heyday. Soon there after, I assume they phased out using cane sugar as the sweetener and switched to the cheaper, less satisfying HFCS.
 
You may ask, can corn syrup REALLY make that much of a difference in the taste? I mean, the soda companies started replacing cane sugar with corn syrup around that time too and no one really noticed a difference. Or did they?

Anyone remember New Coke?

For 79 days in 1985, Coke stopped producing , well Coke, and introduced New Coke which was sweeter and some claimed tasted like Pepsi. Then when it failed miserably Coke Classic (or Classic Coke if you will) was rolled off the assembly line.

Now I'm not saying that this is when the switch took place, but it makes sense both in terms of timeline and taste.

HFCS is much sweeter than natural sugar. This means less is needed to produce a desired outcome. A company having a patented formula much like the Coca Cola Company might initially use the same amount of HFCS as it used natural sugar thereby producing a drink that would taste MUCH sweeter to the public.

Of course I have no proof, but luckily none is needed when you're complaining as I am.

People were so happy to get rid of the sickly sweet New Coke that no one noticed a slight difference in taste in the regular Coke.That is, except for us few that happen to travel out of the country.

See, every other country on this planet still uses cane sugar to this day! In their Twinkies, Coke, Snicker bars, all junk food! Go to Canada or Mexico and get yourself a Coke. You will never drink American Coke again.

Now... in doing research into HFCS and why my Twinkie tasted like a napkin soaked in Crisco, I did discover a bit of information I was unaware of: during Passover, Kosher foods do not contain HFCS! So if you cannot make it to Canada or Mexico, or even a little Mexican bodega where they import Coke made in their bottling plants, you can always hit stores that carry Kosher foods during Passover.

Just look for Coke or anything else you are looking for, marked "KOSHER".

That information was my only saving grace. See, HFCS is here to stay. The Corn farmers and their advocates would claim loss of revenue. My solution? Grow your corn and make me some alcohol to run my car! Leave my snack foods to the Cane Sugar growers. Hawaii and Florida farmers need revenue too.


So, I hereby declare CORN is to blame for all of my woes.